I just want to be able to do it to a fuller extent. The past couple of years I have been missing out on things I would LOVE to be doing, but have cloistered myself more than I would like. The other big thing is I am not as able to do things with the confidence I previously had, I am worried I will hurt myself jogging around, break an ankle hiking instead of just twisting it, fall out of the canoe or kayak and not be able to get back in...so many things.
Like I said to a friend recently when I was telling him I was going to have the surgery "While I realize my value as a person doesn't depend on my weight, my health does." My health is the main reason for this. But you know what? As much as I'd like to say I'm as self-assured as ever, it's just not true. I don't worry too much what people think of me, but I'd be lying if I said that I never think about it. I do. I think about it. And really, I don't believe anyone out there really doesn't care in some way how others perceive them.
While it's not the end all be all of how I act or do things, it permeates my mind at times. I still laugh out loud, dance, and act the fool (I don't think anything will ever stop that)! But do you know what the worst time it gets me? When I walk in a room. I'm serious. When I walk in a room with people I don't know, or some place as mundane as a grocery store...and don't even get me started on a restaurant (because obviously fat girls aren't supposed to eat. at. all.)
Oh, I put on the brave face, suck it up and take the looks in stride, I know the people who look at me in disgust are really just sad themselves...that is their problem, not mine. What I CAN do is "control my 4 walls" and by that I mean, I can't control anyone else's actions, but I CAN control my reaction.
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You can Read the rest here:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
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